THE PROPHECIES

I. in the year of our lord two thousand and twenty six, {{TARGET}} shall purchase a new pair of headphones. they shall break within forty (40) days. they shall not find the receipt.

II. {{TARGET}} shall attempt to cancel a subscription. the cancellation page shall require a phone call. the phone call shall be held for ninety (90) minutes. {{TARGET}} shall give up and pay for another year.

III. {{TARGET}} shall, on a date to be determined, sit down at a restaurant and realize, seven minutes after ordering, that they needed to be somewhere else at that exact moment.

IV. a bird shall poop on {{TARGET}}. on their shoulder. on a nice shirt. on the walk to an event they were looking forward to.

V. {{TARGET}} shall send a text. it shall not deliver. they shall not notice for six (6) hours. by then it shall be weird.

VI. {{TARGET}} shall try to take the elevator when the stairs would have been faster. the elevator shall stop at every floor. on every floor shall stand a person just browsing, not boarding.

VII. {{TARGET}} shall stub their toe. hard. on a piece of furniture they have stubbed their toe on before. they shall not move the furniture.

VIII. AND LO: on a tuesday, in a year to be named, {{TARGET}} shall come upon this website. they shall read every page. they shall find the secret one. and then, finally, they shall understand.