THE NINE RINGS OF {{TARGET}}

through me the way into the suffering city. through me the way to the eternal pain. through me the way among the plain bagels.

I	LIMBO OF MILD ANNOYANCE souls who said "no worries" when there were, clearly, worries. {{TARGET}} passes through here without stopping.
II	LUST FOR UNSOLICITED OPINIONS here wander those who said "well actually" more than 5 times in one conversation. {{TARGET}} is popular here.
III	GLUTTONY (of airspace in group chats) people who send 14 one-line texts when one paragraph would do. {{TARGET}} is the mayor.
IV	GREED (for the armrest on the plane) you know who you are. so does {{TARGET}}.
V	ANGER (unjustified, loud, on speakerphone) reserved for those who take phone calls without earbuds in public transit. {{TARGET}} lives here part-time.
VI	HERESY (against punctuation) those who use ellipses to imply judgment...... you know...... you know who. {{TARGET}} invented this.
VII	VIOLENCE (against queue etiquette) line cutters. {{TARGET}} is convicted here, in absentia, repeatedly, for the 9-minute-deli-order incident (see lore).
VIII	FRAUD (tripadvisor reviews) those who gave the deli 5 stars on the day of the incident. a whole ring for them. {{TARGET}} is suspected.
IX	TREACHERY (the ninth ring — the worst) here, frozen in ice from the waist down, resides the person who walked into an empty deli and said "oh hey didn't see you there." yes. {{TARGET}}. the whole ring is named after them.

virgil could not be here today. he read the manifesto and recused himself.